still riding the blues wave

Kyrgyzstan makes me feel manic depressive. The highs are so high and the lows so low. And the speed at which I cycle through those feelings is just insanity... I hear that many of the K13s are going through this scary phase.

During PST, when I felt down, I would read my Lonely Planet Central Asia guide and imagine all the places I'd travel to during my two years here. Just thinking about the future, the paths that I would eventually travel, really brightened my days. So last week, I just came to the internet cafe a lot and researched grad schools. I found some great programs that would allow me to get good jobs helping people for the rest of my life, and I felt great. I walked through the bazaar on Wednesday after my internet fix to buy things for dinner, and I was still feeling the high. And then, of course, some Kyrgyz vendors tried to rip me off because I'm a foreigner. This has happened many times-they seem not to understand good business practices or kindness, so I normally let it go. But because I was already on a fragile high, I just blew, and got so angry. Didn't I have the right to be? I'm here, volunteering two years of my life, earning $80 a month, for the benefit of their people, and here they are trying to cheat me. And back down I came... It's so vicious, this cycle.

I know that's not the right way to approach PC though--as a sacrifice for which the Kyrgyz should be indebted to me. I can gain so much from this experience, so it's a mutually beneficial relationship. But I've got no investment here yet to make me appreciate it more than I already have... a few kids at my school are okay, but most I hate to say, annoy me with their daily "what is your name"'s (Do they really forget the name of the only Pakistani American volunteer they've ever had at their school?), and classes aren't fulfilling in the least--I know I'm really imparting any knowledge to them, having come in to teach three weeks before their winter break. I know volunteers and a few host country nationals, but I don't have a life here yet and I just never imagined the difficulty with which a life is...made.

Perhaps it will get better. No, I know it will get better. It's not even that bad. I just... keep losing sight of why I came here in the first place. I don't know how to keep a firm grasp on it yet. If I don't remember why I'm here then all I'm doing is struggling to survive, and I don't want to spend the two years struggling. What a sad way to waste two years of my life...struggling to survive, to figure out why I'm here...there are better ways to pass time. I'm not quitting, not now, not ever. But I want not to keep forgetting why I'm here.