still riding the blues wave

Kyrgyzstan makes me feel manic depressive. The highs are so high and the lows so low. And the speed at which I cycle through those feelings is just insanity... I hear that many of the K13s are going through this scary phase.

During PST, when I felt down, I would read my Lonely Planet Central Asia guide and imagine all the places I'd travel to during my two years here. Just thinking about the future, the paths that I would eventually travel, really brightened my days. So last week, I just came to the internet cafe a lot and researched grad schools. I found some great programs that would allow me to get good jobs helping people for the rest of my life, and I felt great. I walked through the bazaar on Wednesday after my internet fix to buy things for dinner, and I was still feeling the high. And then, of course, some Kyrgyz vendors tried to rip me off because I'm a foreigner. This has happened many times-they seem not to understand good business practices or kindness, so I normally let it go. But because I was already on a fragile high, I just blew, and got so angry. Didn't I have the right to be? I'm here, volunteering two years of my life, earning $80 a month, for the benefit of their people, and here they are trying to cheat me. And back down I came... It's so vicious, this cycle.

I know that's not the right way to approach PC though--as a sacrifice for which the Kyrgyz should be indebted to me. I can gain so much from this experience, so it's a mutually beneficial relationship. But I've got no investment here yet to make me appreciate it more than I already have... a few kids at my school are okay, but most I hate to say, annoy me with their daily "what is your name"'s (Do they really forget the name of the only Pakistani American volunteer they've ever had at their school?), and classes aren't fulfilling in the least--I know I'm really imparting any knowledge to them, having come in to teach three weeks before their winter break. I know volunteers and a few host country nationals, but I don't have a life here yet and I just never imagined the difficulty with which a life is...made.

Perhaps it will get better. No, I know it will get better. It's not even that bad. I just... keep losing sight of why I came here in the first place. I don't know how to keep a firm grasp on it yet. If I don't remember why I'm here then all I'm doing is struggling to survive, and I don't want to spend the two years struggling. What a sad way to waste two years of my life...struggling to survive, to figure out why I'm here...there are better ways to pass time. I'm not quitting, not now, not ever. But I want not to keep forgetting why I'm here.

2nd week blues

I taught my first classes this week. I felt really ill for the first time this week. I had my first doubts about being here in Kyrgyzstan this week. Hmm... I'm just glad I survived and didn't break down. Yep... you heard right (read right?) I'm actually having the very doubts that I (naively) believed I could never have because this, joining PC, running away from everything I'd ever known, was a dream of mine. But I had them alright, and I think it was a combination of this week being the most physically and mentally draining week I've had since I got here, and my initial denial that sometimes life in K-stan just...sucks.

My rose-colored looking glass finally broke, and what I see now is definitely not pretty. My back hurts. My back hurts because my "bed" is just a metal frame with a single layer of 1-inch coil stretching from the head to the foot of the bed. My hands are uglier and drier because of the craziness that is laundry-washing here. I'm tired of having to heat up two buckets of water to give myself a bucket bath in a room so cold I can see my breath if I want to bathe more than once a week. I'm lonely, despite how great the people here are. And I don't even want to imagine all the harm I'm doing to my teeth in this country where almost every person you meet has a mouth full of bling....

I have a couple good students who definitely make my job worthwhile. But so many of these kids can't read even the English alphabet, despite their years of schooling in English. I'm just tired. I here that's normal at this point, especially for TEFL volunteers like myself. But I'm not going to delude myself, or you, any longer. I've hit the low point, and I'm not sure if I'm changing direction just yet.

playing catch-up

This is going to be a confusing post, sorry. I promised a while back that I'd keep writing on my computer and post everything later (later being now). Well... that didn't work out too well (are you surprised?) but I did manage to write a couple times. I started posting them separately, but as I read them, I was mildly amused by the progression (or lack, thereof, depending on how you look at it) of my thoughts about Kyrgyzstan and the PCV life.

Sept. 29

I miss some things about home. The ease with which we could eat. The convenience of everything. The food. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having an amazing gastronomic adventure. ;) But sometimes, you just want a taste of what you know, you know? Like mac and cheese…the boxed kraft variety. Or quinoa from R. Thomas…(oh R. Thomas, how I miss thee..) Or a grilled cheese sandwich made with processed cheese product. haha. I miss the cleanliness too.

I like the relaxed life here. It’s really nice not to have to worry about money or grades. I’m in language classes almost 20 hours each week and I have homework, but the fact that I NEED the language motivates me so much more than grades ever did. I’m learning quickly… I know now why they call the Peace Corps language instruction the best in the world. I learn more in one day of language instruction here than I would have in 2/3 weeks of classes at Emory… at least in the French department there. haha what does that say about my 40K/year education?

Nov. 22

Even if you threw me into a pit toilet right now, you couldn’t take away the feeling of satisfaction that overcame me today. I’m so content with where I am, both physically and mentally. I don’t have running water or heat in my house. My toilet is a deep, scary hole in the ground. And when I want to wash my clothes, it’s laborious and takes forever. But I don’t care. It’s like the two spheres of things that I imagine will happen and things that actually do happen in life have finally merged into one: my life exactly as it is right now. I’m no longer feeling like what life gives me is a half-assed version of what I expected.

Today was the last day of technical training, and next week, specifically December 2, I’m finally going to be sworn in as a Peace Corps Volunteer. Pre-Service Training will finally be over, thank God, and I’m going to move to my permanent site in Osh City. Well, it’s technically not in the city, but I’ll be literally five minutes from the city. I’m pretty excited about the city: it was a major trading post on the Silk Road thousands of years ago and still has one of the largest bazaars in Central Asia. I’m also going to be learning Uzbek because my school is primarily Uzbek.

But more exciting than knowing that I’m finally going to fulfill this dream that I’ve had for so long, is knowing that I’m sharing this experience with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. Everyone has flaws, don’t get me wrong, but there is something so unique, so special about someone willing to volunteer two years to better the situation of people not as fortunate. I came into this experience believing that this would be a time of solitude, which would naturally lead to self-discovery. But I realize now that the other people here, both American and Kyrgyz, are the true vehicles to becoming more aware of who I am and what I’m capable of. Without the people, the right mix of them, I don’t think I could find what it is that I’m looking for…. Sure, the people around you are always important. I just think that in a situation as uncommon as the one PCVs face, the people around you, who’re experiencing all the same things, are even more important. And the people around me, I think, are great. Even if I don’t know them all…having the guts to join PC means a lot.

Dec. 12

I had no finals on my birthday this year. :) The sweet, selfish nature of a day that celebrates nothing but you had eluded me for so long that I had forgotten it. But I felt it again two days ago, thanks to the great people in my life. It started with a trip to the Kyrgyz/Uzbek version of a Turkish bath. My friend Rachel and I lounged, steamed, and showered in a private bath for a total of $1 each. The bath we went to even had a private pool, but it was a little sketch, so we didn't go swimming. The rest of the day was well spent walking around town, doing absolutely nothing. At night, we joined a party of K12's and had a good celebrating my birthday and a K11's close-of-service. It was just... great. I've said it before and I say it again, the people that join PC are some of the best around. :) That's not to say that you guys back home aren't amazing, because without your messages of support and many birthday wishes, it definitely wouldn't have been as beautiful a day. :)

Dec. 14

Two days ago, I hoped that tomorrow would be like today. Today I pray that tomorrow will be unlike today. Life is all that I expected of it. But, oddly enough, it is when things are perfect that I miss the old life, the people I left behind the most. I ache for people that I haven't seen in months--I almost want to cry, I miss them so much. Almost. It's their quirks, their individual strengths (and flaws) that I miss. Maybe...maybe when you miss these little things, it means you truly loved people for who they were, and not just because of the convenience of having them around.

made it out alive!

I somehow survived the hell that was Pre-Service Training, and I'm finally a PCV. Last Thursday the K13s were sworn in and then we schmoozed with the US Ambassador at her house. She's awesome: she wants to join PC after her stint as an ambassador, AND she gave us American food (a hot commodity in these parts)! On Friday, I flew down to my permanent site of Osh City. Yeah, I flew, so what? ;) The 50-minute flight costs about 2000 som (~$50), while the 12+ hour drive costs 1500+ som. When I came down to Osh for my site visit, I almost got in a head on collision because the crazy Kyrgyz taxi drivers speed down the curvy mountain passes, and our taxi was actually hit by some Uzbek kid's car while we were stopped for gas. As my driver promptly beat up the kid outside my window, I decided the scenic route was overrated. So hopefully I'm never driving that crazy distance again.

Osh is an amazing city. It's the second largest in the country, but in some aspects, it's a better place to be than Bishkek, the capital, because it's much less Westernized. You can still see the thousands of years of history in the city, and that's just so different from Atlanta.

My house here is great too. You walk in and there's this huge courtyard with a garden that has tomatoes, grape vines, and apple trees. And the house is a giant U-shape that circles the garden. Every room has a door leading out to the courtyard. I live with a huge Uzbek family. There's the grandmother, her two sons, their wives, and their kids. So there are always lots of people around. They remind me so much of my family back home from when I was young, which is great because my family at home now isn't as cool as was when I was a kid. (forgive me, family ;)).

I fit in really well, I think. My language teacher told me that I look like one of her Uzbek relatives! My Uzbek language isn't that great though. I was learning Kyrgyz during training and then they put me with an Uzbek family, and the school where I'm going to teach is Uzbek too, so I have to learn it. I'm slowly teaching myself right now…on day 6 right now. Everyone here speaks Russian in addition to some other language, so Russian is the language to know…but I figure with my Uzbek, Kyrgyz, French, Urdu, and Hindi, I'll make a better secret agent one day, so it's okay if I don't learn Russian. ;)